In the deep, dark trenches of sleep deprivation and new-mumhood, I found myself lost and feeling oh so very low. I didn’t understand—wasn’t I supposed to feel elation? Extreme happiness? An overwhelming sense of love? This wasn’t like what they showed in the movies. Then came the dark thoughts I never imagined I’d have. I was questioning everything about my life, crying constantly.

I remember sitting in antenatal classes during my pregnancy, listening to the section on the “baby blues” and what to look out for. They talked about shaken baby syndrome, and I remember thinking, How could anyone feel that way about their little baby? More importantly, how could they do that to their baby? But there I was—exhausted after a traumatic labour, what I saw as a failure to breastfeed, mastitis just five days postpartum—and I was thinking my daughter would be better off without me. A terrifying thought to have in the middle of the night.

What I didn’t realise at the time was that postnatal depression is actually really common. Around 13–19% of women in New Zealand go through it (Gunn & Parag, 2022). And yet, it still feels like something we’re not really supposed to talk about. Like there’s this invisible pressure to just “be grateful” or “enjoy every moment.”

When people asked if I was loving being at home with my newborn, I tried to be honest and said, “No, not at all.” They’d look surprised or uncomfortable, which only made me feel worse about the thoughts I was having. So eventually, I just smiled and said what they wanted to hear.

It took me a long time to reach out for help. I was having regular panic attacks, crying daily, not eating or looking after myself. Eventually, I hit a point where I realised: enough was enough. I needed to care for myself so I could be the mum Lyla needed. So, I reached out – I got help (Thank you to MICAMHs, WCLT, and my incredible friends and family.).

Looking back now, I can see how much of a role sleep played in all of it. It wasn’t just that I was tired—it was next-level exhaustion. There’s actually research that shows how closely linked sleep deprivation is with postnatal depression and anxiety. It messes with your ability to regulate emotions, cope with stress, and feel grounded. When you’re already feeling fragile, that lack of sleep can tip you over the edge.

Lyla was a pretty terrible sleeper, and with my recent diagnosis of PPD and PPA, I was very lost. One of my friends had an older little one and had gone through the process of getting a sleep consultant. I had never heard of a sleep consultant, and when I googled, so many things came up – and with such high prices! My friend gave me the information of a sleep consultant she used, and after a particularly bad day, I reached out.

I had the initial consultation and felt so validated and supported just from that first phone call. Then I got Lyla’s sleep plan – it really interested me and opened up my eyes to the world of sleep. The one-on-one support I got from our sleep consultant literally changed our lives – for the better. I finally started to feel like myself again and was actually enjoying being a mum. I ended up becoming good friends with our sleep consultant, and we still talk to this day. She encouraged me to study to become a qualified sleep consultant myself, and so I took the plunge and did it—and Snowdrop Sleep was born.

I’m a registered nurse and have been for over five years now, so Snowdrop Sleep is my side hustle and my passion. I love being able to give other mums that one-on-one support and help them navigate their own deep and dark trenches. My goal is to help other parents by Making Sleep Simple, and to keep speaking up about the things people are still scared to talk about—like postnatal depression, anxiety, and the very real struggles that come with being a new parent.

And just a gentle reminder—this doesn’t only affect mums. Dads and partners can experience postnatal depression and anxiety too. The weight of it all—supporting a partner, adjusting to a new baby, trying to keep everything together—can be just as heavy. If you’re feeling flat, disconnected, numb, or overwhelmed, please know you’re not alone. There’s support out there, and you deserve to feel better too.

In New Zealand, there’s help. Whether you’re in Whanganui or anywhere else. Maternal mental health services are available through Whanganui Hospital, and your GP can help get you connected. There are also community groups, helplines, and national services like PlunketLine (0800 933 922), Healthline (0800 611 116), and the Need to Talk? service (1737), all available 24/7.

Whatever you’re going through—mum, dad, caregiver—know this: you’re not alone. Support is out there. And reaching out could be the first step toward feeling like you again.