Motherhood is wild. It’s full of love, mess, laughter, and tears – and we swing from the peak of one emotion to the depths of another in moments, all day long.
As Mums, we’re often told to “look after ourselves,” but what does that actually mean when you’re juggling lunchboxes, tantrums, maybe a career, and whatever version of sleep you’re managing right now?
Self-care isn’t just bubble baths and alone time (though those are lovely too). Real self-care starts with getting to know the answers to these two questions;
1. Who am I?
2. How am I?
These aren’t just questions. Think of them as anchors, ways to return to yourself in the chaos of parenting.
Top Tip 1: Who Am I Now?
This might be the most important question you ask yourself right now.
Not, “Who was I before kids?”
Not, “How can I get my old life back?”
But rather, “Who am I now?”
There’s often a pressure (sometimes internal, sometimes societal) to “bounce back” – to your body, your job, your hobbies, your identity. But here’s the thing:
You’re not going back. You’re going forward.
You’ve gone through one of life’s most profound transformations, one that deserves the same recognition we give to adolescence. There’s actually a word for it: Matrescence. It’s the emotional, psychological, physical, and social transition into motherhood.
I didn’t even know this word until I had my second child. And I wish I’d known it sooner. Because instead of feeling like I was “failing” for not being who I used to be, I could’ve realised: of course I’m changing. I’m meant to.
A Personal Example
Before I had kids, I lived in central Auckland, worked full-time at a major bank, hiked on weekends, did back-to-back yoga classes, and had a little eco-friendly lifestyle dialled in. I only needed to put out 1 bag of landfill every two weeks.
Now? None of that is true anymore.
And for a long time, I resisted it. I tried to keep up with that old version of me. But I was exhausted, misaligned, and honestly – just a bit lost.
When I finally got curious (and compassionate) about who I was now, I started to make changes. Small ones at first. And life got lighter.
Reflection Prompts for You
Let’s take a moment. Ask yourself:
- What kind of parent do I want to be?
- What gives me energy these days?
- Where am I living, and does it support my wellbeing?
- What would an aligned weekday look and feel like for me?
This isn’t about throwing away your old self. She was wonderful. This is about letting her evolve, gently and with grace.
You’re not losing yourself. You’re meeting yourself again.
So much of being well as a parent starts with understanding this new version of you. Think back:
- What did you do to feel better when you were 5 years old?
- Who did you go to when you were 15?
- What comforted you or grounded you at 25?
So take a deep breath, soften your shoulders, and give yourself the space to evolve.
You don’t need to figure it all out today. Just start with gentle curiosity. The next part? Listening.
Top Tip 2: How Am I, Really?
As Mums, we can go an entire day – or even several – without checking in on ourselves.
We wake to cries, move through the day meeting everyone else’s needs – the kids, work, the house, maybe even the dog. And before we know it, we collapse into bed without having once asked ourselves: How am I doing today?
Maybe you know you’re exhausted – that feeling can be pretty loud. But have you actually sat with that? Have you listened in, the way you would to a close friend? Or your child?
Try This Daily Check-In. Even just 5 minutes.
Start by asking:
- How is my body feeling? Where’s the tension?
- How is my heart today? What emotions are sitting here?
- What might make me feel better today?
It could be as small as a deep breath, a walk around the block, or saying no to one thing on your list.
It’s not selfish to carve out time each day for you. You’re being self-aware, and that’s how we make aligned decisions in our day that actually support us.
Not sure where to find even 5 minutes in a day? Start small. Try these in-between moments to pause:
- Before the kids wake up
- During your coffee or tea
- Before opening your laptop for work
- On your lunch break / while the baby naps
- Sitting in the car before daycare pick-up
- After kids fall asleep / before you unwind
We’re so good at tuning into our kids. We watch them closely, we ask how they’re feeling, and we adjust the day to support what they need. How often do we offer ourselves that same care?
A Final Note
Self-care doesn’t need to be big, fancy or expensive. But it does need to be inwards and intentional.
Māmā, you are doing so much. And you deserve rest, support, joy, and time to breathe – not in some magical future season, but now.
There are an array of tools and places to focus energy when navigating the challenges of motherhood; getting to know your inner critic, practicing self compassion, practicing building community, letting go, asking for help or even setting boundaries. But if you can start anywhere, start with
Who am I now?
How am I today?
Keep asking them. Keep listening. And keep choosing small ways to honour the answers you hear.
If you are feeling overwhelmed, reactive, or like you’re running on empty – you’re not alone. And I’ve got something for you.
Join my free virtual workshop: Feel Calm, in the Chaos
You’ll learn science-backed tools to regulate your nervous system, calm your body, and reset in the chaos of daily life. 7.30pm, Monday 29 September
Free to attend thanks to The Village NZ
Register here (just create a quick Village NZ hub account)
Citations:
“Being the best person that they can be and the best mum”: a qualitative study of community volunteer doula support for disadvantaged mothers before and after birth in England
McLeish J, Redshaw M. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth 2019 Jan 10;19(1):21 abstract
“Perceptions and experiences of labour companionship: a qualitative evidence synthesis.”
Bohren MA, Berger BO, Munthe-Kaas H, Tunçalp Ö. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews 2019, Issue 3. Art. No.:CD012449; abstract
“Having a tough time.” Towards an understanding of the psycho-social causes of postpartum emotional distress.”Knaak, S. Journal of the Association for Research on Mothering abstract